you're like a bully in the Christmas story
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
