My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
