bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
