This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
