Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
