I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
