4 words: hood of his car
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
