hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Randomize
