At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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