My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
