I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
