goodnight i made you a song goodbye
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
