There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
