i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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