I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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