I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
