There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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