He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
pop tarts are not kleenex
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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