And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
