i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
