we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
