I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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