the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we should paint friendship bongs
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