Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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