ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
