I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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