So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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