So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
