Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
