Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
