So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
