I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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