First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
