Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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