Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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