Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
