I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
