If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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