Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
