pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
