I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I still have a little drunk in my system
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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