Old men and throwing up are my life now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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