My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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