when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
