I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
