brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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