I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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