Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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