i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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