FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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