and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
