My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
